Caught in between hope and realistic understanding of the fickleness of the job hunt, I am in a place of growth. Two things happened that catalyzed this process:
1. Person I have not seen a long time remarked that I appeared to “have hit a rough patch.” Please note that this person was interviewing me for a potential job, but mainly I recognize her as a friend and mentor. Having her notice such a thing from a single interview was startling.
2. Person who I know and love very deeply (who spends a great deal of time with me) gently commented that I was becoming a lot more anxious in inappropriate situations to mask my larger anxiety over unemployment. You ever hear that dark-cornered voice in your own mind come screaming through another person’s courageous honesty? If not, it’s terrifying as much as it is a relief.
So, two people, completely unrelated and not in cahoots with each other both prod me to the truth. The truth? I have allowed my unemployment to cause me to doubt myself and my capability of accomplishing what I know I need to do. I am a driven person. The Lord has burned in me a strong energy and passion for what I do, and I have rarely doubted my own ability to accomplish anything set in front of me. However, I have also rarely been denied anything that I wanted. I know that I was qualified to receive the opportunities I pursued, but that does not change the fact that I am not used to being thwarted. So caught up in the continual flow was I, that I did not even realize that I was using that flow to affirm my abilities rather than fully believing in myself. With that said, I now think I know why many of the interviews have not turned an offer. Aside from the factors that I could not perceive (employers do have an awful lot of talented applicants after all), I firmly believe that part of my issue has been lack of faith in my abilities. I have been interviewing with the attitude of, “Well, I think I could do it…” and that is a dangerous attitude. Such an attitude leaves room for self-pity when the opportunity is given to another. Whereas, if I actually approached with “I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me…” essentially trusting in all that the Lord has already given me, the job situation would be inconsequential. The true belief in myself not only greatly enhances my chances of obtaining a job I want, but also the assurance inspires me to keep doggedly pursuing what I want in spite of where I am at the moment. It’s not that I deserve what I want, but I have a deep fire that convinces me that I can do something incredible when that opportunity makes itself known. No more self-doubt. Now is the time to actually believe.